Sexy no Jutsu
by Rakero-chan
Summary: When Naruto and Sasuke end up getting into a Sexy no Jutsu contest, almost the whole male shinobi population in Kohona show up. What will happen? Who will win? And is that?....OMG!Itachi! slight ooc, character bashing, completed Aug. 16, revised Nov. 02.
1. Chapter 1: Bet?

Sexy no Jutsu Contest

Naruto was walking back to Kohona, with Sasuke. Actually, he had been dragging Sasuke back from Orochimaru's place before Sasuke smartened up and started walking. It was just to preserve his dignity. Now Naruto was just trying to talk to him and strike up a conversation (mostly rubbing it in Sasuke's face after he whipped his butt and brought him back) as he had tried to do many times before as they were walking. He failed in those attempts, to say the least. We join them now…..

(**Lori-chan: you should write better than that.**

**Me:my spelling is better than yours.**

**Lori: no it is not!**

**Me: Hush. back to the story.)**

"Sasuke, you won't believe how many people are perverts in Kohona." said Naruto, for no absolute reason other than to try to get him to talk. Nothing like a silent Uchiha to make you uncomfortable. And a traitorous one at that.

"…………And how would you know that?" It talks!

"My Sexy no Jutsu." Naruto answered proudly, as it was his own jutsu and he had used it successfully at least three times.

"Must not be that brilliant if you made it." Sasuke stated coldly. Under that frosty exterior, however, the avenger was itching to know what the hell it was.

"It is the best technique to use against any male opponent. And it is my own. It is the best. Like you could do it anyway." Naruto was angry because Sasuke had under estimated the Harem's power. The old Hokage had even been beaten by it! "I bet you couldn't even perform my Sexy no Jutsu!"

"Naruto, what did Tsunade tell you about using that jutsu in public?"

Naruto turned around to find the male members of team 10 and team Gai walking down the same road in the opposite direction.

"We heard that you had Sasuke so we were sent to secure him." Said Neji. "But it looks like you have it all under control." Kakashi poofed in beside them.

"What was this about betting again?" Kakashi asked, still reading that infamous little orange book.

"Sasuke thinks that my special jutsu is stupid and that anyone can do it, but he is wrong!!! So I bet that he couldn't do it at all."

"That sounds interesting, if I know what that particular jutsu would be." Jiraiya, the Perverted Hermit, had appeared out of nowhere next to Naruto at the mention of Naruto's 'special jutsu'. You can guess what it is. "So why don't we make it a contest. Between all of us." He was almost high from the anticipation. He wouldn't even have to sneak around to do research now!

"Okay…But who will decide the winner?" asked Shikamaru.

* * *

SO when they finally decided who was going to judge (Jiraiya wanted to get some 'notes' on the event and Kakashi thought it would be just as good as Itcha Itcha), they gave themselves and hour to rest up and make it back to the training grounds just inside the forest. During that hour, it seemed that the news got around so that almost all of the male nin in Kohona showed up in the clearing in the woods. And surprise of surprises, ITAHCI AND KISAME showed up.

**(Itachi:why the hell did you put us in here? **

**Me: cause I am thinking of making a sequel to this….and it won't be as funny without you!) **

Sasuke was barely containing his rage and several jonins had to keep him from going postal on the S-ranked nin. Shikamaru was able to calm him down, getting Sasuke to believe that if he could beat Itachi at this, it would be like a battle except without the fighting. And then Sasuke would be the bestest Uchiha around.

**(Mally-chan: wtf?**

**Yes, I used that word on purpose. Gosh, I love spell check.)**

"Okay everyone!!! The contest is starting! Kakashi and I, Jiraiya will be your judges today. Since no one really knows what this jutsu is besides Naruto, Ebisu and myself, Naruto will be starting first as a demonstration. So watch carefully. Naruto get ready!" Naruto stepped into the middle of the clearing and everyone watched for handsigns to help them 'master' this jutsu as quickly as possible.

Itachi. Why did you activate your Sharingan." questioned Sasuke, who couldn't help but glare at his onii-san.

"So I can defeat you, pathetic little brother." Well, Itachi was definitely the same. Still as sexy as ever, too….

**(Mally-chan: Hey! Link is better!**

**Me: Nope. No one beats Gaara-kun!)**

That put Sasuke in a rage. He decided he would beat Naruto AND Itachi without the Sharigan. It would make the victory so much sweeter. At least he thought it would.


	2. Chapter 2: Some unexpected visitors

"Sexy no Jutsu!" Naruto shouted as he made a hand sign. When the smoke started to clear, about half of the contestants were knocked out with major nose bleeds, including Ebisu and Asuma. Kakashi couldn't believe what he was seeing (did Naruto really have this up his sleeve the whole time?) and Jiraiya was drooling. All others were staring and most of those had tiny nosebleeds.

"You can't be that Sas-gay!" Naruto yelled after dispelling the jutsu. "Who's up next?"

Gai, being youthful, couldn't help but jump up and down waving his hand. And in the thoughts of everyone who did know Gai, it went a little something like this: 'HO shit…….this can't be good. Must hide. Run!' All those who didn't stupidly stared at him thinking, 'What the hell is his problem?'

But Gai, ignoring the shocked and scared looks of most of the Jonin and Genin, jumped into the circle and performed the jutsu. He looked like a female version of himself. And everyone was a little more emo for a long time after that because it was apparent that Gai had no sense of beauty when it came to women. They should have guessed with the way he acted. To give it more detail, the woman had immense eyebrows over a masculine face, the same hair cut that Gai and Lee possessed, and was wearing green spandex. Not pretty.

Itachi made a move to go into the center, just to get it over with and leave. He didn't want to endure anymore torture and they had a Kyuubi to catch. But Sasuke noticed this and beat him to it, jumping into the circle and kicking Gai out on his butt in process. He focused his chakra and made the same hand signs as Naruto.

"Sexy no Jutsu!" he cried and as the smoke cleared, people ran for their lives. The thing before them, as it could only be described, was a hideous, naked fat lady.

**(R: If you have seen Konohamaru's first try at the jutsu, this was much worse.)**

Among those left were Jiraiya, who was trying to scratch out his eyes, Kakashi, who was hiding behind his book to make the badness go away, Itachi, Neji, Kisame, Shino, Kiba, and Naruto. Sasuke fainted from seeing a reflection of himself in Shino's glasses. No one moved for quite a time and some shinobi came back.

* * *

"Kisame. It's your turn." said a still shaken Naruto. Hopefully his performance would be infinitely better than Sasuke's.

Kisame walked into the middle of the clearing, mentally preparing himself for the jutsu. Jiraiya had calmed himself by reading his books and reasoning that he couldn't make any more of them if he didn't do more 'research' and get that horrid thing out of his mind. Kakashi was still mentally disturbed, twitching every so often and mumbling about hairy toads.

"Orioke no Jutsu!" The smoke cleared and everyone's anticipation melted into boredom, anger, and one single thought: Kisame is mentally retarded.

The aforementioned party had changed into a slender mako shark and was 'drowning in air' on the ground. Not only had he changed into an animal with gills, he didn't bring the necessary water with him and was dying because he couldn't get any 'air'. Needless to say, he lost all the respect he had earned from killing people and had the second lowest score.

At this point in the contest, all those that were awake were either disappointed, mentally scarred, or afraid of killing others on site via bad visuals. Not that they would, or that they showed it. But the fear was still there.

After regaining their composer (and courage), which took 30 minutes, they looked around to decide who would go next. All looked at Neji.

**R: poor Neji-kun. This will hurt his pride.**

Of course Neji had used his Byakugan**(R: if I misspelled it, please correct me)** to see how Naruto's chakra moved to help him repeat the jutsu. The hard part was what he was going to transform into. So he turned to his dreams……

**(R: *evil smirk* hehehehehe)**

"Orioke no Jutsu!" The smoke cleared to show a scantily clad Tenten. And it was actually quite good. But Lee always had to be a downer.

"Neji! Your flame of youth is being put to bad use! Your flame of youth will soon be as black as the Frog Hermit's!!!!" But no one really cared. At least they didn't feel the urge to kill themselves. Sasuke woke up then and they helped the Uchiha to his feet making him promise that he wouldn't ever use that jutsu, on pain of death, unless it was necessary to the survival of the village. Which was, hopefully, never.

* * *

"Well, well. What do we have here? A bunch of shinobi out in the forest practicing jutsu?" Orochimaru decided to speak up after watching the last contestant, vaguely amused at what the jutsu did, but, more importantly, was interested in collecting it. It had possibilities. Kabuto had assisted him in traveling and was standing just behind him, giving all the younger guys a once-over.

**(If you guys don't get what I'm hinting at, you clearly haven't heard bunches of Naruto crazed fans discuss the series.)**

"Hey, Orochimaru! Come join-uh, I mean, what the hell are you doing here?" Jiraiya asked, or shouted over the group of ninja. Most that had fainted earlier on were in varying degrees of consciousness and had jumped at the coming of the Sound nin (some fell back over).

"We've come to get Sasuke-kun back. He is, after all, an important asset to our plans." Replied Kabuto, slightly hurt that he wasn't acknowledged. He did everything for Orochimaru; spying, first aid, collecting people. People should recognize him.

Meanwhile, Itachi was inching away from Orochimaru as said ninja come closer to him. Unfortunately, or fortunately for Itachi, Oro-teme was just going over to talk to Sasuke, who was trying to kill Itachi. Again.

"Hello Sasuke-kun. We missed you at the base. We were just about to, uh, elevate your training." said Orochimaru with an evil grin. Kabuto was eavesdropping like always and getting a tad ticked off. He wanted 'elevated training' with Orochimaru. And poor Sasuke just wasn't getting exactly what Orochimaru was saying, just the same as before. And, just like before, he didn't get the hints dropped by Kabuto to stay away for Orochimaru. Hints like, say, poison in his food, snakes in his bed, or random kunai that appeared out of nowhere or almost hit him 'by accident'.

Itachi, being the cool, stone-cold family killing ninja that he is whipped out a bottle of holy water and started yelling " Back devil! The power of Christ compels you!!" while squirting said bottle on to Orochimaru and sheparding Sasuke away from him.

"Itachi. What the hell? You know Orochimaru?" Sasuke asked his older (**and much sexier**) brother.

"Yes." Itachi replied, when his holy water ran out. "He was also in Akatsuki. That bastard kept hitting on me and finally left when I threatened to kill myself. Of course, that was also when he found out that I had a little brother."

" …….You mean he's gay?"

"Very much so."

"Ohh……That explains a lot."

"Sasuke. You're an idiot!!!" Naruto laughed and pointed at the Uchiha, who has no sense of humor or, apparently, romance.


	3. Chapter 3: Das Ende

"Orochimaru?"

"Yess, Jiraiya?"

"How would you like to be the third judge in this contest?" Jiraiya asked. Considering what he's been through so far, he deemed to just to get Orochimaru to catch the end of this psychotic, backward show that had almost killed half of Kohona's male shinobi.

"Why, I would love to," accepted Orochimaru, with a slight grin. "But only if Kabuto is entered as a contestant."

"I don't see why he can't." said Kakashi. "He certainly can't do worse than Sasuke." he added quietly, turning back to his blessed Icha Icha.

"Sure! Why doesn't he go next? I think he knows the jutsu that we are testing." Replied Jiraiya enthusiastically. He was in desperate need of new material for his book and so far, he wasn't doing well.

* * *

A bigger hush came over the crowd as Kabuto stepped into the middle of the clearing, using medical and psychiatric knowledge to form the image of the sexiest woman in his mind. Focusing on that image, he made the hand signs and …………..thought of something completely different accidentally. When the smoke cleared, the men started throwing up, scratching eyes out, making therapy appointments with Gai, and writing suicide notes. What did Kabuto do you ask?

He turned into a naked Orochimaru.

* * *

Orochimaru was _blushing_. He didn't know Kabuto had thought about him that way and he thought it was touching. Understandably, he was the only one. Jiraiya was writhing on the floor cradling his head and yelling for Tsunade. Kakashi was passed out on the table, foaming at the mouth. Others were out cold, throwing up, etc. while an innocent bystander was having a heart attack.

"Ummm..That was ……." Orochimaru was at a loss of words, still blushing profusely. "An accurate rendition." He finished with a smile. By now, he looked like Hinata in a room full of half naked men without her sweater. **(oh my!)**

Poof. "T-thank you, Orochimaru-sama." Kabuto said hesitantly. It wasn't exactly the best time for this to be brought to his teacher's attention nor was it the way he had intend it to come out. He just looked at him right before he applied the chakra to the jutsu and all other thoughts flew out of his head. A pregnant silence insued as people began twitching to life and gaining control over their minds and stomachs.

"Maybe we should continue the contest tomorrow? When everyone is well rested and has had time to practice? We could meet here at the same time." Orochimaru's suggestion was well received among the shinobi and they helped each other back to town for some recuperation and training to bring the now infamous Orioke no Jutsu under control. It wasn't worth it to have more Kabutos and Sasukes, especially with the author of the Itcha Itcha series at stake.

Kabuto and Orochimaru went back into the forest, to the hideout they had nearby. (**Let's try not to think about what they are going to do shall we?)**

The little innocent bystander picked themselves up and went on their merry way with a blank look on their face. They knew where they were meeting and why, but when….That was a good question.

* * *

The next day at noon, all of the male shinobi that were at the contest the first day had continued, including Itachi, Kisame, Orochimaru, and Kabuto. The Sand siblings, minus Temari, had shown up late the day before and came along with everyone else.

This time, there were security measures installed, such as a telephone to call the suicide hotline, blind folds, mats(for those who pass out), and, in Kakashi's case, hard core porn. Someone else had thoughtfully brought a few cases of sake and was distributing it liberally to the crowd while another watched for Tsunade in the woods. They started in a random draw (spinning Jiraiya around and whoever he hit got to go).

Now, it was about three o'clock, and most of the ninja were plastered. Some did well, some not so much. Lee couldn't use his chakra, so he failed automatically, Choji changed into something like Ino, but more chubby, and Shikamaru turned into Temari, but taller and with longer hair. Gaara was a female version of Gaara with long hair, same with Kankuro. So everyone so far was in merry spirits as no catastrophies had taken place so far. Someone within the crowd made a very funny, yet somewhat inappropriate joke dealing with Asuma's transformed state, and the drunken nin were laughing so hard that they didn't notice the innocent bystander from the day before walk into their midst (the Akatsuki shinobi had drank a case each and couldn't be trust to mold chakra, let alone handle weapons, until the end of the contest and were denied anymore sake), Emboldened by the prospect of winning and giving courage in the thought that, being drunk, they wouldn't notice or remember said person. Only when _**she **_had shouted "Orioke no Jutsu!", did they turn attention to the middle and gasped in shock and awe at the sight of what lay there beyond the smoke.

* * *

A goddess, or some thought a perfect being, with indigo hair, an angelic face, and the hottest body any could possess stood in a dramatic 'come hither' pose with artfully placed scraps of clothing. Nosebleeds were proficient, as were faints, twitching, staring, and drooling accompanied by zoning out and quite interesting dreams. Almost all of the gathered shinobi were down for the count and sleeping happily despite the lack of blood to their brains.

Among the very few of the hundred or so nin that had remained concious were: Jiraiya, Naruto, Neji, Sasuke, and Itachi. Jiraiya was drooling uncontrolably and tried, but did not succeed in making his way over to the goddess, who was now standing straight up, twiddling her fingers, and blushing new shades of red and pink. Sasuke couldn't believe that the weak, shy heiress could do such a thing like that and, maybe if he dated her, his fangirls would go away. Neji was speechless, as he knew exactly who it was, but couldn't believe that she could be that hot nor that she would do that infront of everyone. Luckily, most of the Hyuugas were required to stay in the compound on guard duty, or didn't get out much. If Hiashi heard of this, there would be reckoning.

Naruto was, at the risk of being cliché, like, wow. Big eyes and everything. 'It's the ultra cute babe from the waterfall!!! Damn, she's hot!!!!!' he thought. Itachi was just staring, though very interested in the kunoichi that had dared to infiltrate the contest that was strictly for men. He may be a cold blooded killer, but he had hormones too!

Even more embarrassed at the fact that not everyone had passed out (including her cousin who she would have to see every day at the compound) and that they had now fixed their attention on her, Hinata dispelled that jutsu, leaving her exactly the same, just with more clothing. She was going to go through hell if her father found out and she planned to hightail it out of there. But her polite self got a hold of her. You simply can't leave without saying hello or goodbye. That was just plain rude and heaven forbid if Hinata was being rude.

"H-h-ell-o Nar-ruto-kun!" she said, blushing even more. Unfortunately, this is what was going through the guys' minds: 'Damn! Naruto needs to introduce me to her!'(Jiraiya).

'Omg!!Hinata was the girl at the waterfall?!?!…..Holy shit! That means she's hotter than Sakura!….Daaaammmmmnnnnnnn…'(Naruto).

'……………This can't end well……..'(Neji).

'……………She's hot, talented, and clearly, hot……….. I think I will stalker her to see if she is good wife material' (Itachi **(who knew???)**).

And, last of all, 'Damn she's hot!! I'd rebuild my clan with her over Sakura any day! No more whiny ass fangirls for me!!'(Sasuke).

Deciding to cut her losses, Hinata called a quick "Sayonara!" before running away at top ninja speed to hide in her room, bringing her comfort food (cinnamon buns) with her. It was best to lay low now, judging from the reaction she got. She had not thought this through, based on the time she had. Most anything she did she completely planned out before with backups and fail safes to make sure that everything would go right and not offend anyone if she worked up the courage to actually do what she was planning. Right now she was in what we would call a 'now what, dumbass?' situation. And, as usual, she found that when faced with an event of this sort(not on as grand a scale though,), it was best to cover it up as best you could, and hide without giving out the 'I'm hiding something I did' vibe (which she was a pro at). And what was the heiress thinking at this moment? 'Be calm. Act normal. Train with Hanabi….Yes. Then I won't have to go out because I would be beat up…'

* * *

Hinata fidgited under her father's gaze, standing next to Neji, who was paler than usual and had a blood stain down the front of his shirt. Unfortunately, Hanabi had better things to do with her time and Neji had come home from training earlier than usually, placing both of them in the training ground right as Hiashi walked in.

"How did this happen?" Hiashi asked in his even tone, laced with astonishment and apprehension. 'Since when could Hinata beat Neji at anything, let alone fighting?'

Hinata simply looked down at her feet, blushing and pushing her fingers together in her own nervous habit. She'd hoped that her father wouldn't have noticed when she raced past him, running toward her room after her victory at the clearing. It was embarassing enough that her father clearly didn't believe that this was happening, just as he didn't believe Neji's excuse of "Hinata beat me." It wasn't as if he had lied. Neji made it a point to lie as little as possible. And it was mostly truth. Hinata had beat him at the contest.

Once Jiraiya and Kakashi were sane, or as close as they could be to it, they announced the winners. First place, Hinata. Second place, Naruto. Third place, Asuma. Neji was around 15 in a list that went all the way to 142. Itachi ended up not going (he was still smashed) and Saske got dead last.

"It's true." Neji spoke up. "There was a jutsu contest. Hinata won." Hiashi's eyebrow tweaked up in surprise.

"And who was in this contest?"

"Naruto, Sasuke, Lee, Tenten, Hinata, and I." Hinata twitched. Neji had flat-out lied. Luckily, Hinata's twitch was unnoticed or taken for yet another one of her nervous habits when being stared at and Hiashi perceived this answer to be true.

"You may go then, Hinata." She took off like a shot, out to go visit Ino and Sakura at Tsunade's. No one would look for her there because they didn't know that Hinata was friends with the two of them and she wanted to be as far away from the compound as possible. Hiashi turned back to Neji, who was still in a slight daze from blood loss.

* * *

"What jutsu was it?"

"………"

"Neji. I command you to tell me."

"I lied. Tenten wasn't in the contest." Hiashi looked a bit peeved.

"Then who else was?"

"……..Almost a quarter of all the shinobi of Kohona."

"….And what was the jutsu?"

"You know the one Naruto made? That he got Jiraiya to train him with?"

"No…I don't think that I know that one."

"Neither did I or Hinata until yesterday."Then Hiashi thought about it. Jiraiya. The perverted Sannin and creator of the infamous Icha Icha series. He paled a bit, and then half-smiled. His daughter was hot, smart, and talented. Perfect; he would never have to worry about her again. Little did he know the trouble it would cause in the long run. After all, winning that contest with that jutsu in front of a large amount of shinobi and a few missing nin can't bode well for the future.

* * *

**Well, gosh, I am evil. I finally decided to change this story a tiny bit, just to clean it up in preperation for the clean up and new chapter of the sequel.**

**WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THERE WERE SO MANY SPELLING MISTAKES!!!!! I should have edited this story earlier. Now I have to go work on the other one. Don't forget to check out the sequel!**


	4. Chapter 4: The real end

Okay…Just a small wrap up. And an announcement.

* * *

No one present at the contest over the age of 20 remembers what happened for the rest of the last day and it is still a bit blurry after that, but one thing they all agree on is that they need to get out more…To sta- watch. To watch Hinata. She was only a Chuunin and she needed to be…protected.

Three days later, when all of the shinobi had sobered up, Naruto went to visit Sasuke, who was now being held in the prison just outside of Konoha. He was a missing nin after all.

"Teme! What did Oba-chan say? Do you get out anytime soon?"

"Stop shouting, Dobe. There are iron bars, not walls. No, she didn't say when she would let me out."

"That su-wait! DON'T CALL ME DOBE! You lost the contest, remember!"

"…You didn't win either, Naruto.."

"Huh? …Oh, yeah…DAMN! Hinata is a **babe**!"

* * *

Umkay. Done. Sequel, which I put off, then deleted, then started again, then decided wouldn't happen, is happening, under the title The Aftermath, as a one shot. Don't look for it now. It will be out in about a week. I started it but I really need to work on homework this week because we have these mandatory 'camps' at school next week.

If you haven't read the revised SNJ, please do so.

Thanks to kawiiitahina123 who reviewed EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER before the revisions. That is 9 chapters of shortness and bad grammar. You are awesome.


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